I {Still} Need You

i-still-need-you“In case you haven’t noticed, I DON’T NEED YOU anymore!”

It was the biggest lie I’ve ever not meant to say. Especially to him. The words came flying out of my mouth in a fit of rage that could’ve stopped a loaded freight train in its tracks. I regretted it immediately. The truth was I did, I do, still need him. Maybe not as much as I did before this adventure called oilfield life started, as I’ve become much stronger and independent on my own, but I need him nevertheless.

I’m sure you’ve all been there. After two weeks of managing life by yourself you tend to easily get set in your way of doing things. When you have to maintain control of everything including your home, your children, your sanity, and your emotions (that’s the hardest for me), it is hard for your partner to come home and start helping (heaven forbid, the WRONG way!). I believe this particular fit of rage was ignited by the baby’s stroller…a stroller. Yeah. You see, I got used to it. Doing things by myself, that is. Here comes my “I am woman, hear me roar,” moment. I can plan out the organization of our trunk (stroller, groceries, little safety bag, enormous bag of toddler essentials, and the kitchen sink for good measure) before I even set out to get the said groceries. And then I can turn around and carry everything, including a sleeping toddler, inside the house in 1.5 trips. Ha! Win! So, tell me again, dear, why in the world do I need you?

Well, I need you to tell me I’ve done a good job while you did yours. I need you to encourage me (as I need to encourage you) to endure this struggle every two weeks. I need you to wake up in the morning, meet me in the kitchen, and cuddle me the way you do on day 1 off. I need you to protect me from the things that make strange noises in the night. Most of all, sometimes I need you to remind me that it is nice to have you fix things, carry heavy things, open the impossible jar of pickles, bathe the baby, and vacuum the floors. Even though you may not do it the way I would, I need to learn to step back and let you help me.

I know I don’t tell you enough how much I appreciate what you do to help when you’re off, and I need you to know I DO. It isn’t about the stroller, it’s about the struggle of ‘just me’ and ‘us’ on this crazy rotation of 14/14 that has become the center of our world. I need you to bear with me, and please try to understand, when it’s hard for me to step away and let you step in. After all, you’re stepping back into my world I’ve been working on while you were working. I’m not allowed to step into your world I know you work SO hard on and start helping you (at least not without crazy coveralls, a hardhat, safety glasses, and very strict instructions “not to touch that!”).

It took me a long time to accept our differences in our new roles. I felt as though our strong partnership was broken the second he boarded that plane for training. It hasn’t been the same since. But it hasn’t all been bad. Before all this I was the girl that could barely change the batteries in the remote (okay, maybe not that helpless, but it wasn’t pretty). Now I’m the woman that gets the tools and tears apart the vacuum (oh, I can take care of spiders on my own now too!). Our partnership wasn’t broken, but it changed drastically and there are still days I need to get used to that. But sure as rain there is one thing that hasn’t changed, I still need him! I need him to need me, love me, and that’s all. The rest just seems to work itself out. …Unless the dishwasher is loaded unsuitably. Then we need to talk.

About ashley

Ashley and her husband, Ryan, have been married for 4 years. They became an oilfield family in March of 2011. They live in Northeastern Pennsylvania with their 2 year old daughter, Anistyn, and two fur-children: Kora (the manic Australian Cattle Dog) and Jaxx (your typical lazy house cat). Ashley traded in her various degrees and certifications to take on her ultimate dream job of fulltime mommy and wife. When not throwing over-the-top toddler dance parties and reading the same storybook 104 times in a row she enjoys reading her own books, baking, writing, meeting new friends, trying new things, and saving every animal in need on the planet!

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