The Rules: Trying to Conceive Edition

The Rules: Trying to Conceive Edition There are certain rules you must follow when trying to get pregnant, aka trying to conceive, aka TTC.

You do not question the rules.  You just do them lest anyone think you are an unfit mother-to- be.

Rule #1:  Find a willing partner.  Before TTC one has visions of what the baby making love will be like.  I thought it was going to involve candles, a John Mayer Live album, and staring lovingly into each other’s eyes.  It does at first, but then it’s not.  For those of us who have stayed for a long time in the TTC stage, it becomes, “well that was a bit FORCED.”  Men love sex, until they are forced to do it by hormonal wives.  (Maybe you just read that smugly and thought it was not like that for me at all!  This is because you most likely got pregnant quickly.  My long-term TTC homies know what I’m talking about.  Fist bump)

Rule #2:  Eat Kale.  I’m pretty sure you HAVE to eat kale.  Maybe it is the folic acid in greens or most likely it is that kale has magical fertility powers.  I have not read that anywhere, I’m just assuming due to the way people talk lovingly about kale.  I’m not pregnant yet, probably because I haven’t eaten enough kale.

Rule #3:  Find your favorite prenatal vitamin.  The fun part about this is it becomes an exciting journey.  Does the iron content make you nauseous all day?  You get the morning sickness without even being pregnant!  Do the vitamins make you toss your cookies right after taking them?  You get to play a little game I like to call… how to not barf after taking a vitamin.  Then you experiment with them and food to see if that fixes the problem.  You eat and then take the vitamin.  You take the vitamin and then eat.  You eat and take the vitamin simultaneously.  If you barf every time, it is time to get a new prenatal.  FUN!  If you are like me you find the only ones which don’t make you vomit are organic and vegan made from special ingredients like unicorn tears.  They also happen to be the most expensive.

Rule #4:  Get a fertility app.  You may develop an attachment disorder to this app.  You share secrets with your app that you wouldn’t tell your best friend and definitely not your husband.  Every twitch, toot, sexual desire, mucus, cervix location, and/or breast tenderness is noticed and marked in your fertility app.  You also track sex and this is where I’m a little miffed.  You can now mark the amount of times in one day you get down with your partner.  I have the ability to specify if it was between 1 and 24 times in one day.  Let me repeat that, between 1 and 24 sexual escapades in one day.  Who is out there not working in the adult film industry, not on a honeymoon, not on drugs, and doing it 24 times in one day?  It used to be 9 and then the app updated to 24.  I thought 9 was a little unreasonable.  Who are these people that demanded it be upped to 24?  WHO ARE YOU?  You live a life I simply cannot imagine.  If you are a 9 timer or a 24 timer, much respect.  I’m in awe of you, but do not want to be you.  But seriously, do you just never leave the bed?

Rule #5:  Become accustomed to the (wink wink nudge nudge) maybe you are pregnant comments!!  If you dare tell anyone that you are TTC, your every move becomes watched and anything different from the norm will elicit the response, “maybe you are pregnant!”  Not feeling like drinking wine tonight?  Maybe you are pregnant!!  Feeling tired?  Maybe you are pregnant!!  Throw up from your prenatal?  Maybe you are pregnant!!  Feeling grumpy?  Maybe you are pregnant!!  Got a cold?  Maybe you are pregnant!!  Eating kale?  Maybe you are pregnant!!  Even when your husband has been out of town working on a hitch for 30 days and you haven’t seen him at all, people will disregard biology and say those magic words… maybe you are pregnant!!

Rule #6:  Become a pregnancy message board expert during the two-week wait.  The two-week wait is the two weeks between ovulation and a period or positive pregnancy test.  During these two weeks, you will decipher every single symptom you have and decide that it definitely means you are pregnant.  You can literally find any and every symptom in the world that someone had when the just “knew” they were pregnant.  Thirsty, tired, not thirsty, more energized, your dog cuddled with you more, cold-like symptoms, gas, frequent urination, wanting vegetables, not hungry, hating vegetables, increased sex drive, decreased sex drive, loving kale, are all symptoms that people had where they just “knew” they were pregnant.   Sometimes it is true, sometimes it is not.  Sometimes you are pregnant and have every symptom and sometimes you have none.

Some of you will move quickly through the TTC stage and become mothers.  Others will stay in this stage longer than we ever thought possible.  As Mother’s Day looms ahead, many find this day more painful than joyous.  It is a reminder of what is not, for those who can’t or who have lost.  Ladies who are struggling to conceive, have infertility, or have gone through the pain that is miscarriage; I want you to know that you are not alone.  You are surrounded by women who are in the process of, or have experienced these struggles.  You don’t always hear about it because others don’t feel comfortable talking about it.  There is shame, grief, guilt, and embarrassment that many women have as a result of not being able to get pregnant or dealing with loss.

On May 10th, I’m praying for the women who hold children, those who want to, and those who never got the opportunity.  You are all amazing women.

About LC

Howdy! LC and her Oilman live in the ‘burbs north of Austin, TX. She is a real estate broker, but you won’t find her face on a bus bench and she doesn't drive a Cadillac. Oilman works in Texas as a Completions Consultant. Don’t worry, most people don’t know what that title means either. LC calls him frac guru, for short. She may be the only woman in America that hated both "Twilight" AND "50 Shades of Grey". Oilman and LC like wine, good music, their two dogs, and cervezas in Central America. Follow the adventures of LC and Oilman at: www.LivingOilfieldLife.com or on Instagram at: living_oilfield_life

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