I Can’t Mom Today

I Can't Mom TodayDear Children-

Sorry boys, I know I’m a crappy person, but I can’t mom today.  I simply can’t do it.

Maybe it’s the PMS, maybe it’s the phase of the moon, maybe it’s that we are only halfway through daddy’s hitch, but today I couldn’t get it together to be the mother you both need and deserve.  And I’m sorry.

All we had to do today was bring a snack to Big Brother’s soccer game, watch soccer game, then do clean-up at the house we just moved out of so the realtor can show it tomorrow.  Sounds so simple.

But this morning I second-guessed my snack choice for the team and thought I should add a fruit so I thought we could swing by the store on our way to the game.  It was in that parking lot that I discovered Big Brother had written his name in sharpie on the floorboard carpet in the back seat.  Seriously??????

I could have been calm about this, but honestly, I’m at my wits end with Big Brother.  This is the third time he’s written on the car upholstery.  He’s been lectured, he’s been spanked, he’s lost toys and privileges, and here we are AGAIN.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m scared that nothing will get through to him, so instead of being calm I lost my shit.

This made us late for soccer, so Big Brother didn’t get much time to warm up and get his mind on the game.  Much of the game was spent with him daydreaming and me yelling to pay attention.  I shouldn’t get frustrated by this.  I should celebrate the funky kid you are and I should chill out because it’s just kindergarten.  But I just couldn’t mom today.

On the way out of the soccer complex, we passed some friends coming in for their game.  It was just the Dad bringing the kids to the game.  I couldn’t help it, my mind imagined their mom getting out of bed and enjoying a cup of coffee in peace.  I won’t lie, for a millisecond I was jealous.  Then I remembered that your father wants to be here as much as I wish he was, and he works so hard for us and I got it together.

When we went to clean the old house, Little Brother was done with this day already.  He whined, cried, and in general was grating on my nerves.  Big Brother wanted desperately to mop.  “What the hell?” I thought, “He can’t make it MORE of a mess”.   That was a FAIL on my part. I could have shown him how to mop, or been more patient in general, but instead I got angry with him. He started to cry, “Today has just been a BAD day.”  I know you boys don’t know this, but it breaks my heart when we fight and carry on all day. I just HATE that my inability to keep a cool head hurts you boys so much.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.  I don’t deserve the AMAZING little gifts you boys made me at school and church.  I just don’t.

Someone asked me today if I had plans for Mother’s Day.  I just laughed.  Daddy is still at work so I’m not really sure what there IS for us to do?  Going out to brunch seems silly -not to mention stressful- with just me and a 3 & 6 year old.  I sure don’t want to cook, so basically it will be just another day.  Which is OK!  I just hope my efforts to be more patient and more fun are successful tomorrow. If I can BE a decent mom, maybe we’ll have a good Mother’s Day.

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