“Trying is the fun part!!” she said smiling as she tried to find the right words to say. Truth is, there are no right words to say sometimes. I smiled back, “yeah,” I muttered, and then I walked away.
Today marks the start of cycle 16; sixteen long, heart-wrenching months of trying for baby no.2. We aren’t strangers to the disappointment of non-successful months. We’ve been here before. Although, we’ve never been this far into “here” before.
When you fall in love you make a plan. A plan that includes: a ring, marriage, a home, pets, and children. You know there will be challenges, no doubt, but not where you don’t expect them. You anticipate glitches on your wedding day (rain really is no big deal, but on that day it is!). Finding and purchasing your first home will prove to test your marriage (sometimes this isn’t fun either!). Agreeing on what kind of pet to adopt and what to name it is exciting, but can show differences you didn’t know existed between you. But having a baby? That’s solid. It is the biggest decision you’ve made together to date, and now is the time. It’ll all fall into place now. We thought so, too.
We tried entering parenthood starting in January 2011. I was over the moon! I’ve waited my entire life to be a mom, and now it was going to happen. My heart was bursting! I thought it was simple. I was wrong. It wouldn’t be until the end of November of that year that it would finally happen. We had just received our official referral to a fertility specialist when our dreams, thankfully, came true.
Fast forward to August of 2014. Our sweet girl had just turned two. Our lives were secure, stable, happy, and we were ready to try again. I was even 120 lbs. lighter this time (after being successfully cleared by my gastric bypass surgeon). It was going to happen this time! How could it not?! Everything was perfect. We were so optimistic, and so wrong. Again. Of course, the oilfield schedule didn’t help sometimes. I, obviously, can’t get pregnant if he isn’t home. But even those months the timing worked out. Just “we” never worked out. Month after month of heartbreak.
August 2015 came and went. So did life as we knew it, but it all worked out for the better. So, how are we still here? Why do our bodies continue to let us down time and time again? Is it me? Is it him? Is it us? So many unanswered questions, and so much hurt. You know, the first time I was sad that I was missing out on all the “baby” things. The nursery, the clothes, the car seat, the growing belly, the kicks, the baby, the love, and all of the things you dream about when your child is on the way. But now I know better. I’m missing so much more than that. Now that we have a child, I realize that each month that passes is another missed month of another amazing child in this world! It’s the laughter, the love, the possibility of a being that we created gone. If it’s possible, that hurts worse.
My heart aches for what our family is missing. What I can’t give my husband, my daughter, and myself. We are, regardless, blessed beyond measure with all we do have, and we don’t take a second for granted! But it doesn’t mean we can’t be sad over the piece we’re still missing in our family puzzle.
I’m allowed to be sad and angry. And, no. It isn’t fun anymore.