Anyone that knows me in person knows that I loathe New Years. This year I think I’ve finally realized why. Besides the basics (Christmas is over, the magic is over, the pretty lights come down, etc.), it is a reminder that, once again, another year is gone and I’m still the same ol’ me.
I began this year with high hopes (as I always do). Hopes that I’d be a little thinner, a little happier, a little smarter, a little more relaxed. I had hoped that we’d have a new baby or a large baby bump, that my daughter would thrive with her new therapists, that we’d find a new found inner peace and balance as a family. HA!!!!!!!! None of those things happened. As a matter of fact, once again, everything seemed to fall apart at the seams and we’re just trying to survive another year. Does it go like that for anyone else?
Re-reading that paragraph I realize that it is quite possible what I really need is a new attitude… But still, hear me out.
Maybe not for everyone, but for me a new year offers a new chance. A chance to be better and do better. Chances to speak kinder, laugh more, clean less, and just be. That’s my problem; I can’t ever seem to just BE. Where are all the “live in the moment” experiences? I spend every waking moment of every day making life perfect for my family around me. I plan activities, healthy meals, tidy our shelves and our imperfections, but I never seem to live. At the end of the year I look back and remember all the awesome things, but they seem all too small to fill an entire year. What happened? What did I really do all year? It feels like I missed every single new chance I was given. Bah! And now we’re going to try to start again going into it with a new-found level of depression (whoa, breathe)!
I envy those who have inner peace and balance. My mind always seems to be racing away from my body and my body always seems to be screaming for more Oreos. In short, I’m a hot mess. I don’t live day to day. I live hour to hour and wonder where the days went. How sad am I? Honestly, I don’t even know where to start. My house is Good Housekeeping worthy, but my mind is blown into a thousand fragments of worry, planning, cooking, loving, snuggling, trying not to yell, and so on. Please, someone out there tell me I’m not the only one who feels this way (hurry)?
I think about all of the things I want to do, accomplish, try, achieve, and pursue. I go into every single year with good intentions, I promise. I just can’t ever seem to make it all work out. In turn, I combine last year’s list to this year’s list and by the end of it even I don’t know what I was trying to say. Then I get tired just thinking about it, drink wine, and fall asleep feeling bad about myself.
Yes, I hate New Years. There isn’t enough champagne in this world to ease the pain of what I didn’t do the past 365 days.
But, in the spirit of new times, new chances, new beginnings…let’s try anyway! Giving up isn’t an option, so I’ll give it a darn good try (I’m trying to be positive, is it working?)! Here we go…
3…2…1… HAPPY NEW YEAR (I guess)!