I sometimes can’t help but wonder, if you’ve become somewhat of a stranger to me, have I become a stranger to you? I’ve seen who you are change through our almost 6 years of marriage (as to be expected), and each time I feel something quite unexpected: surprise. Who is this man before me now? More importantly, who is he when I’m not looking? Surely we’ve both had to adjust and amend who we are to survive this lifestyle we live. I know you in the walls of our own home, but who are you really?
Seeing as we spend more time apart than together, in case you ever wonder yourself, my dear, this is me:
I’m emotional. Surprise, surprise. Oh, yes. Much more so than when you are here (imagine that!). I play love songs and watch chick flicks and ugly cry at all the sad, sappy parts. I make tea, put a blanket in the dryer, and wrap up in it after it’s done with a romance novel. I can’t do these things when you’re here. Why? I don’t know.
I’m fierce. There’s something about being alone that puts me on edge. I take myself emotionally “to the zone” and I don’t take any crap. I’m hardened. I no longer question my instincts and I lock every door. Twice. And no, I don’t think I’m overreacting.
I’m relaxed. I do my thing. First and foremost comes the care of our child, and then comes the care of me. No additional schedules to worry about. No waiting for the phone to ring for you to be called to work for who knows how long. I use all the hot water in my shower and I don’t wear make-up (I know you don’t mind either way, but I do).
I indulge. I make and eat foods you don’t care for. I buy sushi and Alfredo. I also drink wine, eat chocolate, and buy cookies. I’m not even sorry.
I’m loud. Yeah, when you’re here you need sleep. When you aren’t here we get crazy. We crank up Mickey’s Hot Dog song, the dog barks her head off, we play cookware rock band, and we run around this place like foolish people.
I’m artistic. I daydream about re-designing every aspect of this house and which piece of art I’d like to paint next. Maybe I shouldn’t have renovated the house while you were on a hitch. I’ve created a monster. I do miss painting though. Much more than you know.
I reminisce. I dig out our old photo albums and Ani’s baby pictures. Next time we have some downtime we really should look at them together. There’s something about you being away that really “takes me back”. Maybe I’m looking for something…
There is one thing I’m not anymore, and that’s sad. I’m not sad anymore when you’re gone. Instead I look forward to what we’ll do when you come home. I have time to plan when you aren’t here, keeps my mind busy, then all I can do it think about how much fun we’ll have when you’re back. I don’t miss being sad.
I’m different when you aren’t here.
I have to be, and I like it that way.