Trigger Warning: Loss, Miscarriage
“Yellow Makes Her Happy” was the first article I had some trepidation about. It was in that article I shared with you, for the first time, the various struggles my daughter faces. It was also the first time I was given the opportunity to share with the world just how amazing she is. Born and raised for her first crucial years an Oilfield Baby. She still describes her world in colors, and I’m beginning to think she’s on to something because I’ve been trying my hardest to do the same thing.
I’ve been in some really ‘dark places’, which was the initial intent of this piece. Then I realized that if I keep seeing it as a dark place, this black hole to the very depths of my empty soul, then it’ll just stay that way. This hasn’t been my day, my week, my month, and I really hope this isn’t how my entire year is going to go. I feel like this is my turning point…the culmination of the things I’ve been writing for the past few months.
Looking back there was “Uncertainty”. Seven months into our new lives and we’re still in that place I described back then. Was this the right move? Are we where we are supposed to be? I thought so. Now, I’m not so sure. Are things really better? No. Will they get better? I don’t know. What will we do if it all doesn’t work out? I don’t know that either. Uncertainty. Grey.
Less than a month after “It Isn’t Fun Anymore” went live we got a huge surprise. Our prayers for a second miracle were answered. A baby! Finally! Happy doesn’t even begin to describe our feelings at that time. Pure bliss is more like it. Elation, euphoria, glitter sprinkled everything! Joy. Yellow. Absolutely yellow!
One week before Christmas our world of bliss was shattered. Shattered into more pieces than I was even made up of. Our miracle had no heartbeat. Every hope, dream, speck of happiness I felt was gone. No warning. No indications. Just gone. Black. My world has been black ever since.
My life list of ‘dark places’ consists of several junctures: the death of my grandmother, the space between high school and college, the space between my bachelor’s degree and my master’s, the space between my last boyfriend and the meeting of my husband, the day he said ‘yes’ to the oilfield and ‘no’ to my pleas of not going, the months leading up to the end of our oilfield journey, the months following the end of our oilfield journey, and the now. Nothing is as dark as the place I’m in now. I say “I” because I refuse to let anyone else come to this place with me. Outside the walls of black I’m beige. I have to be some shade other than what I feel inside, anything less is unacceptable to society. Yes, it’s that bad.
Today I was given a gift from a very dear friend of mine. A beautiful gift that reminded me that perhaps I should find the new me in a different color. After all, I’ll never be the person I was before that day. I have accepted that now. As a mother, you’ll never go back to the ‘before’. That gift was a gorgeous necklace with two simple tear drop gems encircled by two arms. One of them clear to represent loss. The loss of my baby, and also, in very much the same aspect, the loss of me. I need to be clear. I need to start building my color again. The other Ruby. Ruby is the birthstone for both of my precious babies. The one I have in my arms, and the other I do not. Ruby: success, integrity, contentment, nobility, and love. What better color to live in, rebuild myself in? Ruby it is!
I’m sure I still have many dark days ahead, but there is hope. There has to be hope (along with faith and fortitude). Havyn, that’s our angel’s name. After all, she’s my safe place, my haven in everything I do from here on out. I think of her and I see white. Beautifully pure, white.
Thank you to everyone reading, listening, helping, supporting, following, and loving our family. Thank you for allowing me to share us with you. Thank you for helping me out of the black and into the red. There will be better times ahead!